Typical Adventurers
Bert trudged up the steep ridge, swaying briefly as the wind caught his oversized pack. He wasn’t very strong, and he wasn’t very fast, but that was sort of expected when you were a goblin. Not a full warg rider, or a goblin spear thrower, or even a biter.
No, Bert was the lowest of the low. He was just a 1 hit point goblin, so low that most adventures couldn’t even see him, since he counted as a critter, just like a rabbit, or one of those cute little owls.
But Bert had one advantage. An advant...

Kit the Kitsune
Kit peered up the ridge, but saw no movement. There were a few critters, but no adventurers, or monsters. Nothing that could threaten their party at least.
“What is it?” Marvelous called. The necromancer moved to stand near her, and she gagged reflexively at the stench that rolled from him in waves. He stared up at the ridge, shading his eyes with one grimy hand. “Anything worth XP?”
“No, just a feeling,” Kit admitted. She turned back to the dragon’s lair, unsurprised that both Brakestuff and Cr...

Bert Smart
Bert crept down into the valley, as quickly as his stubby legs would allow. He wound past pine cones, and roots, and rocks, and finally reached level ground. The adventurers were emerging from the cave, and had approached the corpse of the dragon they’d slain.
To Bert’s immense surprise the dragon stood up again. He immediately backpedaled, then dropped into a fetal position behind a large rock. Probably not large enough to save him. He laid there quivering for several long moments before he rai...

Paradise
Bert woke up before the sun, and his teeth chattered as he slipped out of his bedroll. He rubbed at his arms, which had gone a much lighter shade of green than normal. Breaking down his campsite kept him moving, which warmed him up.
He finished tying his bedroll, then attached it to his pack. Bert decided to eat as he walked, and withdrew a small bag of mushrooms he’d gathered the day before. He scarfed them down as he started down the switchbacks into the valley below.
It descended for nearly t...

Bert Dumb
“Berrrrt!” Came his mother’s shrill voice.
He winced, and then started up the rickety stairs. He had to move carefully, and jumped over two of the bad steps. Bert barely caught himself on the next step, and managed to grab the rail before the weight of his pack pulled him back the way he’d come.
It didn’t take long to reach the second story, where his mother spent most of her time. He climbed in through a window, since the door had long since been blocked by stacks of garbage. His mother sat in...

$Placeholder
Bert’s head was muddy when he woke up. It took him several minutes of rummaging through the garbage coating his floor for breakfast, which produced a piece of old bread that could have been mistaken for concrete.
By the time he’d found some water to soak it in Bert remembered. Today was the day. He was going to journey to one of the places no other goblin had ever gone. The human town of $Placeholder. He didn’t know what to expect, really, as he’d only seen it from the ridge outside. But they so...

Boberton
Bert summoned his courage and started up the cobblestone street. He dodged a wagon wheel, and then leapt out of the way of a farm wife carrying three squirming chickens. A pile of horse dung splashed into the street ahead of him, but he twisted nimbly around it and managed to avoid getting any on his shoes.
Navigating the obstacle course was exhausting, especially with his heavy pack. Bert was soon coated in sweat, but he refused to give up, or take a break. He reminded himself that doing this ...

Negative Quality
Kit was tired by the time she reached $Placeholder, but had also enjoyed the run as it gave her time to think. Besides, being in fox form never got old. She loved bounding through the forest, and sampling the tapestry of scents that form allowed her to use.
When she reached the bridge leading into town Kit reluctantly shifted back into elven form. Her staff and robes clearly identified her as a wizard, and most travelers kept their distance as she moved to join the back of the line.
She stared u...

Bert Smart
Bert left the monster shop in high spirits, despite not being able to get a mount. Boberton trotted dutifully after him, and the demo pup seemed pleased to be with Bert. Well half of him did anyway. The left head, which he decided to call lefty, was friendly and obedient. Righty, on the other hand, wanted to maul Bert’s face off.
He made sure to walk next to Lefty as he led Boberton up the street. It was a little easier now, because as a pet Boberton was more visible than Bert. Pets had more hit...

Count Kullen
Kit was lost in thought as she approached the magic item shop’s oaken door. This was going to be the hardest adventure they’d ever attempted, and she wanted to make sure she picked up the right blend of magic items from the shop.
She had plenty of healing potions, but there were probably some scrolls that would be useful down there, especially if they sold anything third level or higher. More fireballs would be a good thing.
“Stop!” A voice like a clarion call split the morning.
She spun to fac...

Hermoine Stranger
The rest of the party stripped the glitter-covered loot from both Kanye and Count Kullen, and efficiently stacked into a pile near Kit.
She knew the drill, and cast a detect magic.
Kullen had been wearing a white shirt, which glowed with abjuration. Kanye had been wearing a set of sequined leather armor, which she immediately identified. “The shirt enhances the user’s charisma. The leather is plus two. Vendor trash, I mean unless someone likes sequins.”
“What about the sunglasses and rings?” M...

Into the Tomb
Bert badly wanted to steal one of the rings, or maybe the microphone, as that certainly looked valuable enough to trade for a warg. Unfortunately, adventurers were very focused on their winnings, and Bert wasn’t able to gather any of it.
Both he and Boberton were now coated in glitter, which he rather liked. It made him look fancy. Maybe even the fanciest goblin ever. It would probably stick around for a while too, as long as he didn’t bathe, which he wouldn’t unless he accidentally fell into a ...

Blow the Horn
Kit cocked her head and judged the footsteps echoing up the corridor that fed into the entry hall. She waited until the last possible instant, and then cast her haste spell. The familiar symbol flashed up, bathing the party in its potent magical energy. The power thrummed through her, accelerating her mind, and her body, and her voice unfortunately.
Brakestuff moved protectively in front of the rest of the party, and raised his shield high as the first enemies flowed up the hallway. The dwarf tu...

Kit Meet Bert
Sir Patrick is happy to tell Master White (which will stick for the rest of the book) about the rest of the tomb.
The Dark Lord Bella will be the toughest thing to kill, but there are other tough fights between here and there. On the next level they’ll face a powerful mummy. He was a close friend of Kanye, and will be out for revenge.
They must not let Ramen Brotep see them. Kit asks what type of magic he has. Sir Patrick drops his voice to a whisper. Brotep is brutal and power. He is an adoram...

Uh Oh
From Bert’s perspective. Bert likes pretty lady, and feels a little badly that he lied. But he’s not going to wait. He needs to get his four hundred gold.
He heads to a far corner of the room, and prepares Boberton for sleep. The dog is definitely getting larger. After Boberton has bed down Bert sneaks around the first floor looking for loot.
None of the undead had any loot, but in the shadows near the base of a pillar he finds a small blue gem about the size of his fist. He hurries back to hi...

Ramen Brotep
Spin the medusa scene from Clash of the Titans. Only the medusa is a mummy, who wears lots of gold chains. There are lots of kittens, all over the room, and each wears a pharaonic head dress. They’re all super fluffy. Mew. Mew.
But then they see the statues. People, mostly in sitting positions, all with a look of absolute adoration on their faces, like they just saw a…a bunch of kittens.
Something moves in the darkness. They scatter, each in a different direction. Crotchshot gets caught. They he...

Boberton to the Rescue
Bert convinces Boberton to bark at the kittens, scaring them away, and saving the party. They make it through the level without killing Brotep.
No one but Kit realizes Bert is there, but she expresses her thanks. She owes him her life. She says that if they get out of this alive she’ll give him the 400 gold.
Bert is elated, and follows the adventurers down to the next level.


Bert second guessed himself multiple times as he followed Kit down the gently sloping corridor. It seemed to take forev...

<<<. Marker. >>>

<<<. Plot Marker Bert >>>

<<<. Plot Marker Kit >>>

Riddle Level
There needs to be a series of puzzle challenges that the rest of the party is lost on, but thanks to Kit’s trope she’s able to help them bypass.
The party makes it to the next level and White immediately takes credit for saving their lives. He claims he banished the mummy. Kit spot several flaws in that, including the barking they all heard. But she chooses to say nothing. They’ve just lost Crotshot, and more dissension isn’t going to help.
She’ll track Bert down later and ask if he was involve...

The Dark Lord Bella
Or the dark lord Count. The count. If necessary change count Cullen to viscount Cullen.

Fencing the Goods
Bert returns home absolutely wealthy, but before he can return home he has to launder the money. Goblins down’t really care much for gold. They like garbage. Things that can be modded into their homes.
So Bert goes to the town garbage company, and pays them to bring all the garbage to his house in paradise. They eagerly agree.

Return to Paradise
Bert returns home rich and prosperous, but finds that no one cares, even when the garbage is delivered. The wargs still won’t accept him. Boberton has been growing at an astronomical rate and is now as tall as Bert.
One of Boberton’s heads has become a close friend, but the other is always trying to bite Bert. It’s very stressful, but he loves Boberton anyway. By the end of the book both heads will like him.

<<< Goal line >>>

OLP White Power
The OLP is an underground organization of white wizards and necromancers who seek to overthrow the dark lord. We’ll need a scene where Kit is brought to a meeting, perhaps to prepare them for the tomb.

The Dark Lord White
DLW does something horrendously evil and self-serving that Kit cannot sit by and allow. She goes to her fellow adventurers and asks them to rebel and take him down. No one is interested. She points out that they’ll get to loot his body.
Now they’re interested, except Po, who can’t hear anything.
The rest of them are interested, but won’t do it because they fear White. He’s too strong, especially now that he has the Dark Lord trope. He’s been making lots of undead, too many for them to fight.
A...

Bodies Hit the Floor
DWL sends undead minions to capture all the goblins. Similar parties are sent to other towns. He wants as many bodies as possible so he can make an undead army of workers who can upgrade his keep into a fortress of doom, which will give him +2 to all saves and the well rested bonus.
Make it clear to the reader that he’s slaughtering thousands so he can get a minor bonus.
This is from Bert’s perspective, who’s there when they invade his village. Fortunately, Bert and most of the goblins are ignor...

Climactic Battle
Short version: Bert gets the drop on the Dark Lord White because all his powerful alarm and detection spells automatically exclude critters, and Bert is listed as a critter. He snatches the DL trope, and a good chunk of DLW’s power.
Kit launches an attack, backed by the rest of the crew they’ve gathered throughout the book. They trounce the ‘heroes’ and lock them in the dungeon. White gets away. Only sparkly vampire is lost in the assault.

You Can't Go Home Again
Bert realizes he can’t return home. He has an army of undead now, which is a big responsibility for a goblin with 1 hp. Fortunately he levels up and now as 11 hp. Enough to take a single hit from an average 1st level adventurer.
He decides that he doesn’t need a warg. He has Boberton. With this acceptance, Boberton accepts him fully. He is now large enough to mount, and Bert does so for the first time.
He talks with Kit and his crew, and we end on an amusing anecdote. Everyone got out okay, exce...