Chapter 1- Bert Smart
Bert trudged up the steep ridge, swaying briefly as the wind caught his oversized pack. He wasn’t very strong, and he wasn’t very fast, but that was sort of expected when you were a goblin. Not a full Warg Rider, or a Spear Thrower, or even a G Biter.
No, Bert was the lowest of the low. He was just a 1 hit point goblin, so low that adventures couldn’t even see him, since he counted as a critter, like a rabbit, or one of those cute little owls.
But Bert had one advantage. An advantage that he wou...

Chapter 2- The Game
Kit peered up the ridge, through the sun-dappled pines, but saw no movement. There were a few critters, but no adventurers, or monsters. Nothing that could threaten their party at least. So why did she feel compelled to keep glancing up the wooded slope?
“What is it?” Master White called. The necromancer moved to stand near her, and she gagged reflexively at the odor that emanated from his robes, which hadn’t seen a bath since the river they’d passed early last week. White stared up at the ridg...

Chapter 3- Three Whole SIlver
Bert crept down into the valley, as quickly as his stubby legs would allow. He wound past pine cones, and roots, and rocks, and finally reached level ground. The adventurers were emerging from the cave, and had approached the corpse of the dragon they’d slain.
To Bert’s immense surprise the dragon stood up again. Bert immediately backpedaled, then dropped into a fetal position behind a large rock. Probably not large enough to save him. He laid there quivering for several long moments before he r...

Chapter 4- Paradise
Bert woke up before the sun, and his teeth chattered as he slipped out of his bedroll. He rubbed at his arms, which had gone a much lighter shade of green than normal. Breaking down his campsite kept him moving, which warmed him up.
He finished tying his bedroll, then attached it to his pack. Bert decided to eat as he walked, and withdrew a small bag of mushrooms he’d gathered the day before. He scarfed them down as he started down the switchbacks into the valley below.
It descended for nearly t...

Chapter 5- $Placeholder
Bert’s head was muddy when he woke up. It took several minutes of rummaging through the garbage coating his floor for breakfast, which produced a piece of old bread that could have been mistaken for concrete.
By the time he’d found some water to soak it in Bert remembered. Today was the day. He was going somewhere no other goblin had ever gone. The human town of $Placeholder. He didn’t know what to expect, really, as he’d only seen it from the ridge outside. But they sold wargs, and he had money...

Chapter 6- Boberton
Bert summoned his courage and started up the cobblestone street. He dodged a wagon wheel, and then leapt out of the way of a farm wife carrying three squirming chickens. A pile of horse dung splashed into the street ahead of him, but he twisted nimbly around it and managed to avoid getting any on his shoes.
Navigating the obstacle course was exhausting, especially with his heavy pack. Bert was soon coated in sweat, but he refused to give up, or take a break. He reminded himself that doing this ...

Chapter 7- Negative Quality
Kit was exhausted by the time she trotted into $Placeholder, but had also enjoyed the run as it gave her time to think. Besides, being in fox form never got old. She loved bounding through the forest, and sampling the tapestry of scents her vulpine form afforded.
When she reached the bridge leading into town Kit reluctantly shifted back into elven form. Her staff and robes clearly identified her as a sorcerer, and most travelers kept their distance as she moved to join the back of the line.
She ...

Chapter 8- One Man's Trash
Bert left the monster shop in high spirits, despite not being able to afford a mount. Boberton trotted dutifully after him, and the demo pup seemed pleased to be with Bert. Well half of him did anyway. The left head, which he decided to call lefty, was friendly and obedient. The right one, on the other hand, or other head rather, growled whenever he approached.
He made sure to walk next to Lefty as Bert led Boberton up the street. It was a little easier now, because as a pet Boberton was more vi...

Chapter 9- Whanye
Kit was lost in thought as she approached the magic item shop’s oaken door. This was going to be the hardest adventure they’d ever attempted, and she wanted to make sure she picked up the right blend of magic items from the shop.
She had plenty of healing potions, but there were probably some scrolls that would be useful down there, especially if they sold anything third level or higher. More fireballs would be a good thing.
“Interlopers!” A voice like a clarion call split the morning.
She spun...

Chapter 10- Hermoine Stranger
Kit was impressed by how quickly Crotchshot and Brakestuff stripped the glitter-covered loot from both Whanye and Count Kullen, efficiently stacking it into a pile. She knew the drill, and cast a detect magic.
Kullen had been wearing a white shirt, which glowed with abjuration, and had somehow managed to avoid getting any glitter on it. Whanye had been wearing a set of sequined leather armor, which she immediately identified. “The shirt enhances the user’s charisma. The leather is +2. Vendor tr...

Chapter 11- Blow The Horn
Bert huddled in the shadows, watching the adventurers. He badly wanted to steal one of the rings, or maybe the microphone, as that certainly looked valuable enough to trade for a warg. Unfortunately, the adventurers were very focused on their winnings, and Bert wasn’t able to gather any of it.
Both he and Boberton were now coated in glitter, which he rather liked. It made him look fancy. Maybe even the fanciest goblin ever. It would probably stick around for a while too, as long as he didn’t bat...

Chapter 12- Sir Patrick
Kit cocked her head and judged the footsteps echoing up the corridor that fed into the tomb’s entry hall. She waited until the last possible instant, and then cast her haste spell. The familiar symbol flashed up, bathing the party in its potent magical energy. The power thrummed through her, accelerating her mind, and her body, and her voice unfortunately.
Brakestuff moved protectively to the front of the party, and raised his tower shield high as the first enemies flowed up the corridor. The dw...

Chapter 13- Bad Dog
Kit moved to stand next to White, and watched silently as he interrogated the death knight. Behind her she could hear the bawhump that came each time Brake used one of his channels to heal himself, or Crotchshot. She tuned them out, and focused on the death knight.
“What’s your name?” White demanded.
“I already gave it. I am called Sir Patrick.” The knight planted the tip of his enormous sword against the stone, and pointedly leaned on it. His eyes narrowed, and surged with white flames. “And ...

Chapter 14- Best Friend
Bert waddled away feeling a bit taller than when he’d approached his new friend. He turned to Boberton, who was trotting alongside him now, and no longer wanted to bark. “Bert likes pretty elf lady. She talk to Bert like Bert adventurer. Bert proud.”
Boberton’s tongue lolled out of Lefty’s mouth, and he seemed to pick up on Bert’s mood. Bert brought him all the way to the far corner of the room, behind a pillar. There was a small area shrouded in complete darkness, and there was no reason for an...

Chapter 15- Ramen Brotep
Kit woke up in the quiet predawn hour to find everyone asleep, except for White. He sat studying a spell book, and judging from the leathery pages and dark red script she was fairly certain she didn’t want to know what it had been bound from.
Lawful good her ass.
She quietly shifted back to elven form, and quickly performed a prestidigitation spell to clean off the previous day’s grime. The spell was amazing, and allowed her to clean both herself, and her clothing, instantly. It was the primary ...

Chapter 16- Good Dog
Bert second guessed himself multiple times as he followed Kit down the gently sloping corridor. Every step took more courage as he waddled down to the next level, but it helped to have Boberton plodding along right beside him. Every time Bert woke up the dog was a little larger, and it was getting harder and harder to control him with the leash.
Thankfully, Boberton was usually well behaved, though it worried Bert that if Boberton got too unruly he wouldn’t be able to stop the dog. He made a me...

Chapter 17- Fibonok Sequence
Kit’s heart thundered in her vulpine chest as she sprinted through the sandy room, dodging around kittens. Fear blanked out conscious thought, and her only objective was reaching the yawning stone doorway leading to the next level.
The mummy, Brotep, stood near it, laughing as the kittens swarmed toward Brakestuff and White. A few were after her as well, but they were much slower than she was, and she nimbly vaulted them, while avoiding eye contact.
Sharp yapping came from behind her and she dar...

Chapter 18- Nuppet
“Stupid necromancer, stealing credit.” Bert glared at White as he trailed a ways behind the adventurers. He watched in awe as Kit performed some sort of magic on the board. He knew what numbers were, conceptually at least, but he’d always needed to use his fingers to count. If only he had more fingers.
Thunder cracked over head a third time, and the wall slid open to reveal a passage into a dark room. A few torches flickered within, splashing their weak light on the dank stone.
The adventurers d...

Chapter 19- Ah, Ah, Ah
Thunder cracked overhead, and Kount studied them through his monocle. The tiny nuppet would probably only appear intimidating to someone like Bert, given how small and assuming he was. But she knew that nuppets were terrifyingly lethal.
Kit watched the dark lord closely as she cast her haste spell. The magical energies washed over her friends, enhancing their speed. Kount didn’t seem impressed.
The nuppet, despite his smaller size, flung Brakestuff into the wall with bone-shattering force, and t...

Chapter 20- Monster Shop II
Bert and Boberton picked their way back down the hill, which hadn’t much changed in their absence. The sky was still steel grey. Clusters of skeletal guards still stood at most street corners. People kept their heads down, and moved quickly to wherever they were going.
No one paid any attention to Bert, but he still encouraged Boberton to plod along as quickly as he could manage with the heavy pack. The dog didn’t complain, but Bert could see how hard the pup was struggling with the weight.
It ...

Chapter 21- The White Tower
Kit found the day after the death of the Dark Lord a strange one. The party scoured the entire Tomb searching for loot, but found surprisingly little that they could sell. The Kount had a love of books, which Kit appreciated, but apparently not of gold. Whatever treasure had been here had, presumably, been behind the throne and now belonged to the mysterious thief.
Kit fervently hoped that thief was Bert, as the mere idea of the goblin having that amount of money to spend was hilarious. The idea...

Chapter 22- Garbage
Bert woke up with a stretch and a yawn. He blinked sleepily around him and realized he was on the softest bed he’d ever slept on. It was large enough for two big humans, or about forty goblins. Bert had most of it to himself, except for the large, warm lump next to him.
Boberton gave competing snores from both Lefty and Righty. Bert wriggled out from under the big dog, and noted that Boberton was larger than when he’d gone to sleep. The dog was already bigger than Bert, and growing more so every...

Chapter 23- Master Garbologist
Bert tugged Boberton over to the small building, and parked the cart outside. He patted the dog, and considered whether he should bring the pack inside. No, it would be fine for a few minutes. “Boberton watch cart.”
Boberton stood at attention, and turned in a slow circle as Lefty scanned for threats. Finding nothing, he sat back on his haunches, and started scratching an itch on his side. Bert was satisfied.
He headed over to the building, and breathed easier when he realized the door was alrea...

Chapter 24- Return to Paradise
Bert refastened Boberton’s harness, and climbed into his newly modified wagon. Stella had pointed out that since he owned the place he could take any of the garbage waiting to be dumped, and Bert had spent the previous afternoon collecting a small pile of boards, wire, and a good-sized wash basin.
He’d reinforced the axel with a sturdy board, and used wire to fix the washbasin atop the wagon. That had meant removing the aging wooden sides, which Bert had converted into rope ladders that dangled...

Chapter 25- Fortress of Doom
Sir Patrick had scarcely been so miserable. He’d faced immense threats in his day, both before and after his very timely death. He’d battled everything from sand worms to the Bored, who assimilated all races.
And yet he’d been reduced to a lapdog, serving the most vile stain on the ethical fabric of the universe he’d ever encountered. Sir Patrick had seen evil, in many forms. He’d served dark lords who wanted to destroy the world, simply to watch it all burn down. He’d served dark lords who were...

Chapter 26- The End of Paradise
Bert very quickly decided that something was not quite right in his new life. On the surface it looked wonderful. He woke up when he wanted. He piddled around doing whatever he wanted. He played with Boberton, or explored the garbage fields.
He had everything he’d ever wanted and he was miserable. It made no sense.
“Come on, Boberton,” Bert said, without too much energy. He stepped out from under the awning he’d erected, which was going to be the new roof for the wing he was adding to his mom’s ...

Chapter 27- Exiled
Kit reluctantly ducked into White’s throne room, her teeth chattering as she moved to stand near his throne. She hadn’t been officially invited to the next OLP council meeting, but figured that unless someone told her to leave there was no reason not to be here. It wasn’t likely she could do much, but she had try.
Since Kit’s weapon was knowledge she’d done her research on the OLP, and she’d rolled her eyes when she learned what the letters stood for.
Ominous latin phrase.
One of drawbacks of t...

Chapter 28- Dark Lord Bert
Bert used his twine to tie the last branch in place, then dropped down to the wet earth and crawled inside the makeshift tent next to Boberton. Lefty gave him a grateful lick. “There. Boberton can be dry now. Bert will make a fire. Boberton want pellets?”
Boberton gave a soft woof, so Bert dug into his pack and got out a pair of pellets. He gave one to Lefty, then gently patted Righty until the dog woke up. “Here, food.”
Righty wolfed down the pellet. Burped, and then closed his eyes.
Bert pull...

Chapter 29- Strawberries
Crossing the bridge back into town was one of the most terrifying things Kit had ever done, ranking up there with the first time she’d fought a dragon. Clusters of zombified elves stood to either side of the flow of traffic, undead scarecrows convincing ordinary citizens to follow the rules…or end up an animated corpse.
White’s tactic was effective, as the flow into town was the most orderly Kit had ever seen. Carts inched up the cobblestone, while farmers and merchants kept their heads down. So...

Chapter 30- Slug Intel
Bert waddled out of the monster shop, Boberton in tow. Walking was much easier now that there were so few people, and he retraced the path that Kit had taken. It took him far longer to get back to the bridge, of course, but that gave Bert time to think.
Bert had always liked thinking, but since socketing the dark lord trope it had become an addictive need. It was as if layers of reality had been peeled back, and Bert could now see the machinery that made it all work. He could understand the hows...

Chapter 31- Suspicious Rogue
Kit was quite anxious by the time Bert came waddling through the door, his rapidly growing demo pup in tow. It was difficult not to laugh at the tiny goblin, who’s limbs seemed too short for his body. He was as unassuming as you could get, right down to the jaunty little cap, and the gigantic eyes.
“Bert succeed.” He beamed a proud smile in her direction, dozens of tiny goblin teeth glinting up at her. “Have way into Tomb that White probably not know.”
“Well what is it?” she asked, dropping down...

Chapter 32- Tentacles
Bert gazed sadly down at Boberton from his perch on Kit’s shoulder. The dog gazed up at with, both Lefty and Righty visibly distressed. He didn’t like having to leave the dog behind, but taking him into the moat would be dangerous.
“Stay here, Boberton. Be back soon.” Bert waved at the dog, since he was too far away to pet.
The dog gave a concerned bark, but he didn’t try to follow Kit as she started for the door. Jenna, their new companion, fell in next to them. Bert wasn’t sure what he though...

Chapter 33- The Plan
Kit suppressed a gag and forced herself to focus on getting out of the latrine. The smell wasn’t as bad as she’d feared, likely because this place hadn’t been used in so long. The odor was one party human waste, three parts dank mildew. Not pleasant, but not as urgent as she’d feared.
“Levitate mihi en aerem.” A wave of blue energy burst over her, and she rose slowly into the air. Kit willed herself toward the toilet above, and rose through the circular hole, which had been constructed for somet...

Chapter 34- Minions
Bert waddled up the corridor, and wished he knew some of the spells Kit had used. Maybe there was a spell that would make him taller, or his legs longer at least.
After several minutes of walking he saw a bright glow in the distance, and quickly recognized the room where Boberton had scared the cats, and where he’d lit the mummy on fire. Would the mummy be mad about that? Maybe he didn’t know Bert had done it.
Bert cautiously approached the door, and slowly peered around the edge. Baby cats lit...

Chapter 35- Ambush
Kit adjusted her pack so that the disintegrate scroll was close at hand. Stepping back into that sand filled room took a great deal of willpower, especially since she was in elf form, which made her slower, and a great deal more visible.
There was no sign of Jenna, though Kit was fairly certain the rogue was lurking in the shadows behind a nearby obelisk. She hoped so anyway.
“Is okay,” Bert whispered loudly into her ear from his perch on her shoulder. “Mummy will do what Bert say.”
When the mu...

Chapter 36- Climactic Battle
Kit’s hands were shaking as their ragged little party made its way up the corridor toward the throne room. She’s scarcely believed that taking down Brakestuff could have been that easy. Kit had spent so much time in fear of the paladin, because his support of White was what had really cemented the necromancer’s power.
She’d seen Brake stand toe to toe with ancient wyrms, and armies of undead. In the end all it had taken to kill him was an ambush, which now that she thought about it was probably ...

Chapter 37- Evil Necromancer Person
Bert did exactly as Kit instructed, not just because she’d asked, but because it was the smartest way to stay alive. He scurried around the edge of the room, and had he not walked as fast as his legs would allow he’d have been caught in the area of effect when the fireball detonated in the doorway.
As it was he could feel the heat wash over him, and was acutely aware of having only a single hit point. He’d gotten lucky, and he didn’t want to count on that again.
Bert waded through the chaos, an...

Epilogue
Kit’s body rippled, and her perspective changed as she resumed her elven form. Relief flooded her as she stared at White’s curiously lifeless body, which Sir Patrick had unceremoniously dumped on the stone in front of Bert’s new throne.
The goblin sat in the center of the throne, but he was too small to rest his hands on the arms. His little feet dangled off the side, and he stared owlishly around the room, as if unable to believe what was happening. She empathized.
“We did it!” Crotchshot gave ...